Falling Down

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It was the beginning of fall, the leaves were changing and I could feel the cold air rest on my face turning my cheeks pink. I was walking to the park to meet my youth group leader, after four years of volunteering as a co-leader I finally would be held accountable with the responsible leader position. My friend Addison and I walked for about 15 minutes until we sat at a bench underneath the gazebo. There were kids running around and screaming as they played on the playground nearby. I had felt so nervous to be in given this awesome opportunity that I had looked forward to my whole high school career. The brown, beat up car made its way into a parking spot, you could see the exhaust fumes seeping out of the back. Dan had brought along his intern, Jordan, who was looking to be a youth group leader one day himself. As they walked up, Dan had looked nervous as he fidgeted with his sleeves. I had known this man for four years now, I thought I knew all there was to know about him. He sat down with his intern across from us, you could see him choking back what he wanted to talk about, with tears in his eyes. I couldn’t even possibly imagine what he was thinking of saying, what could be this bad? As I sat there I looked at Addison, and she looked back at me, we were both worried about what the next few moments we were going to go through. We had been volunteers together at this church the whole time. If there was ever something going on we would be the first to know, but this time we weren’t, we were the last. We turned our heads back to him and he said cautiously “This might be painful, and I’m sorry, I want you to know no matter what I love you guys, but I don’t want you to think I’m bigoted and homophobic.” My heart sank. Never has he ever made my sexuality sound like such a horrible thing. I watched as this hurt him as much as it hurt us. He was the only fatherly figure in my life, and once again, my heart was shattered by someone who I looked up to. He went on to say “You know this church has accepted you and loved you as well, but you have to choose between the church or your lust.” I was filled with rage, who I was with was never about lust, it was love. It wasn’t my fault I am who I am. At first my tears were from the pain and sadness, but now they were full of anger and betrayal. I don’t even remember the rest of the conversation. Addison always had something to say to him but after that I had nothing. Why would I want to talk to him, why now instead of four years ago when he knew my intentions of being a leader no matter what? Why couldn’t he say something when I had first told him my feelings for women. Finally, the humiliation was over and he asked “Have you decided?” I looked at him and said “I no longer wish to be a leader here.” That was a lie, I had never felt more welcomed in some place in my entire life. I wanted to be a part of something that made me feel so warm. We all got up and went our separate ways. I understand how weird it is to think of a lesbian Christian. How that might seem as a contradiction, but to me the biggest contradiction was a hateful Christian, and that was something I would never be.

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3 thoughts on “Falling Down

  1. Love your deep use of emotion and your descriptions of how you felt and reacted. Very dramatic event. Commas and periods could be taken to better use, but I still really like this writing. Great job.

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  2. I have a friend who has struggled with many of the same issues that are describing here, and I have helped him a lot along the way. You definitely capture the emotion of the struggle very well. After watching what my friend was going through, I am very sorry that you have had to experience something similar.

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  3. It sounds like you really felt let down by the youth group leader. It’s sad that they accepted you all that time and then all of a sudden made you feel like you weren’t accepted. I’m sorry you had to go through this.

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